Conflict Isn’t the Problem — Communication Is: Tips for Conflict Resolution from a Therapist

By: Michelle A. Cortez, MA, A.M.F.T 

People have different ideas about what makes a healthy, happy relationship. You might hear, ‘We never fight,’ or ‘If you’re really happy, you shouldn’t argue.’ The truth is, many of us didn’t grow up with good examples of how to handle conflict. Maybe we saw one partner shut down or stay silent, or someone exploded and yelled. These repeated cycles often led to years of resentment.

Conflict shows up in all kinds of relationships — with romantic partners, family, friends, and coworkers. So when tension arises, you might think:

“I’m not like my parents, so why can’t we get through each other?”

“Are we not compatible?”

“Are we unrepairable?”

Therapists who focus on relationship dynamics want you to know: conflict isn’t a sign of failure. Conflict is a natural and inevitable part of any relationship. In fact, it can highlight an important skill: collaborative problem-solving.

The key is to look at conflict through a lens of “Us vs. the Problem,” instead of “Me vs. You vs. the Problem.”

Step 1: Identify Your Position - Are You Trying to Win or Understand?

When conflict happens, we often take a position. Taking a position means approaching conflict either wanting to ‘win’ the argument or wanting to ‘understand’ your partner. The ‘win’ mindset can make you defensive and competitive, while the ‘understand’ mindset fosters empathy and collaboration.

Think of the “winning” mindset like a lawyer preparing their opening argument — gathering evidence to defend themselves and disprove the other person. It’s natural to feel defensive: maybe you messed up, but you think your partner messed up more. This “me vs. you” stance feeds defensiveness and distance.

For example, if your partner says, “You never listen,” responding with, “It’s not my fault, you just don’t explain yourself well,” puts you in a defensive, winning stance.

On the other hand, the “understanding” mindset listens with empathy, aiming to hear the other’s perspective without judgment. That might sound like, “I hear that you feel unheard. I want to understand how I can do better.”

Reframing your position from winning to understanding helps shift conflict into connection. Ask yourself: Am I listening to understand, or am I listening to disagree?

Moving away from blame toward expressing your feelings can create space for connection. Instead of: “So it’s MY fault now? If YOU had just listened, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Try: “I feel frustrated when I think I’m being overlooked. Can we slow down and figure out how to hear each other?”

Moving away from blame to expressing feelings creates space for connection.

Step 2: Embrace Understanding Through Validation 

Understanding is a form of validation. 

It is important that we define validation. Validation is often misunderstood in mainstream media as permissiveness, that if you validate something, you’re saying the other person’s behavior is okay. But that’s not true.

Validation means acknowledging your partner’s feelings as real and important, even if you don’t agree with their perspective.

Think of it like this: if someone tells you, “I’m really upset,” validating them means saying, “I see that you’re upset,” not necessarily agreeing with what caused the upset.

In conflict, validation means hearing your partner out and showing empathy for their experience. This builds trust and opens the door to deeper connection.

Making this shift, it becomes less about who is right or wrong, and more about stepping into your partner’s shoes to see where they are coming from. 

For example: “I didn’t realize that ignoring your calls made you feel unloved. I felt overwhelmed and thought silencing my phone would help me clear my head. What can I do differently that honors your needs?”

By practicing validation and curiosity, you set the stage for collaborative problem-solving, moving your relationship forward together.

Step 3: Collaborative Problem-Solving - It’s Us Against the Problem

We have now arrived at the “Us vs. The Problem” stage. This stage embraces collaboration, working together, to find solutions. Compromise can be introduced or just problem-solving skills. The difference is that two people are now on the same side, able to look at the problem with clarity, together. 

Use “we” language:
“How can we move forward from this?”

Stay open-minded. Sometimes conflicts don’t resolve immediately, and that’s okay. You can “put a pin in it” — pause the conversation for now, with the intention to revisit later. This helps keep things respectful and prevents heated arguments.

Know your limits. If you need a break during a tough conversation, be honest: “I’m too upset right now to be productive. Can we continue this at dinner?”

If you need space, take it — but agree to return to the conversation, setting a personal deadline to revisit the issue. Set a timer, or deadline, not for your partner, but yourself. 

Taking space and agreeing to return to the issue helps keep communication healthy.

Conflict is expected, and while miscommunication can make it more complex, these steps — Reframe, Lead with Curiosity, Collaborative Problem-Solving — offer a guide to building new habits in your relationships.

Conflict can create distance, but with the right tools, you can find your way back to one another.

If conflict feels overwhelming or persistent, you don’t have to face it alone. Michelle Cortez, MA, A.M.F.T., at My Mental Climb specializes in helping individuals and couples build healthier communication and stronger connections.

Ready to take the next step?
Book a free 15-minute consultation call to explore how therapy can support you in developing these skills and creating lasting positive change.

Visit www.mymentalclimb.com and click the “Book a Consultation” button to schedule your session today.