Of all the ways couples fight, one behavior predicts a breakup better than any other, and that is contempt. In John Gottman's research, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, and he could forecast which couples would split with over 90 percent accuracy after watching a fifteen-minute argument. As a couples therapist, contempt is the pattern I treat with the most urgency, because it does the most damage.
What contempt looks like
Contempt is disrespect delivered from a position of superiority. It shows up as eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, mimicking your partner, sneering, name-calling, and the hostile joke with a real barb inside it. Criticism attacks a specific behavior, but contempt goes further and talks down to the person, treating them as beneath you. The message underneath it is a sense that you are better than your partner, and that is the part that corrodes a relationship faster than almost anything else.
In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown describes contempt as putting your partner beneath you and, underneath that, deciding they are incapable of change. She quotes the Gottmans on the stakes: contempt is, in their words, "perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage." Once you have written someone off as unable to be different, the disrespect stops feeling like a problem to solve and starts to feel justified.
Why it is the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen
Gottman named four behaviors that reliably eat away at a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Of the four, contempt does the most harm, because it broadcasts disgust, and it is very hard to solve a problem with someone who is looking down on you.
Contempt connects to something I wrote about recently. In an earlier post on the ick, I described how disgust works as a protective response, the body's way of pushing away something it senses could harm it. Contempt is that same disgust pointed at your partner and mixed with anger. Once it sets in, it colors everything, and even neutral moments start to feel like evidence against them.
Contempt can make you physically sick
This is not only an emotional problem. Gottman's research found that contempt affects the body: partners on the receiving end of it get sick more often, with more infectious illnesses than partners in relationships without it. Living under steady disrespect keeps the body under chronic stress, and the immune system pays for it.
Where contempt comes from
Contempt rarely appears out of nowhere, and it usually is not a sign that one person is cruel. It grows out of long-running problems that never got resolved and needs that went unspoken for too long. Over months and years, the disappointment hardens into a story that your partner is the problem, and once that story is in place, you start reading their behavior in the worst possible light. Gottman calls that negative sentiment override. Contempt is what that soured lens sounds like out loud.
How to turn it around
The antidote to contempt, in Gottman's model, is building a culture of fondness and admiration. That can sound soft next to a problem this serious, and it works because contempt and appreciation cannot occupy the same space. A few concrete moves:
- Catch your partner doing something right and say it out loud, specifically. Small and frequent matters more here than big and occasional.
- When you raise a complaint, speak to your own feelings and what you need instead of indicting their character. "I felt alone last night and I want more time together" is a different message than "you are so selfish."
- Rebuild the back catalog of what you respect about them. Contempt feeds on a running tally of grievances, so start keeping the opposite list.
If contempt has set in over months or years, it is hard to reverse on your own, because both people are usually dug in and reading each other through that negative filter. This is the kind of pattern couples therapy is built for, and the Gottman Method has specific tools for it. You can also start with our free printable, The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes.
The short version
Contempt is the most dangerous of the four behaviors that predict divorce, and it grows from unspoken hurt curdling into a story that your partner is the problem. The way out is deliberate appreciation, plus complaints that speak to your own needs rather than your partner's character. It is workable with help, especially before the disrespect becomes the whole weather of the relationship.
If you recognize contempt in your relationship, a free 15-minute consult with our intake coordinator is a good place to start. We are a California telehealth practice, so it is all by secure video, from anywhere in the state.
Christina Mathieson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #115093) and the founder of My Mental Climb, a California telehealth practice specializing in couples therapy and the Gottman Method.
Tagged
Last clinically reviewed: by Christina Mathieson, LMFT #115093.
