By Christina Mathieson, LMFT #115093, founder of My Mental Climb.
The most common bind I see in couples consults is this: one partner is leaning out — thinking seriously about separating or divorcing — and the other partner wants to stay and work on it. They come in together looking for "couples therapy." And traditional couples therapy, which assumes both people are committed to the relationship as the unit being worked on, is almost always the wrong tool for that moment.
There's a different approach designed specifically for this situation: discernment counseling. If you're in the bind, it's worth knowing about.
Why regular couples therapy usually doesn't work here
Standard couples therapy — Gottman Method, EFT, any of the evidence-based approaches — starts from a shared commitment: we both want this to work, we're both in. The work is then about repair, communication, intimacy, conflict, the specifics of your dynamic.
When one partner is actually considering leaving, that foundation isn't there. What tends to happen in traditional couples therapy in this configuration:
- The leaning-in partner puts everything into the work, the leaning-out partner goes through the motions, and the gap widens
- The leaning-out partner feels pressured to commit before they're ready, which deepens the ambivalence rather than resolving it
- Weeks or months go by, the leaning-out partner finally says "I've made up my mind," and both people feel like the therapy failed
- The leaning-in partner leaves the process feeling worse than when they came in
The couples therapists know this too. It's not that we're bad at our jobs; it's that we're being asked to do something the tool isn't designed for. William Doherty, PhD, the family therapist who developed discernment counseling at the University of Minnesota, named this pattern directly — and built a different intervention to address it.
What discernment counseling actually is
Discernment counseling is a structured, short-term approach — typically 1 to 5 sessions, with each session lasting about 1 to 2 hours. It is not couples therapy. The goal isn't to fix the relationship or to convince anyone to stay. The goal is clarity — to help both partners understand how they got here and decide which path forward fits.
The three paths — named explicitly at the start of the first session — are:
- Stay as you are. Maintain the relationship in its current form, without further intensive work. This is always an option, but it's named as a choice rather than a default.
- Move toward separation or divorce. If that's the right call for one or both of you, discernment counseling helps you arrive at that decision with clarity rather than through a slow fade.
- A six-month all-in commitment to couples therapy with both partners agreeing to put divorce off the table for that window and work fully on the relationship. At the end of six months, you reassess.
These are the only three paths discernment counseling points toward. It's not trying to pick one for you. It's helping both partners arrive at a genuine choice.
What actually happens in a session
The structure is distinctive, and it's part of what makes the approach work.
Each session opens with both partners together, briefly. Then the therapist meets separately with each partner for most of the session, with the couple reuniting at the end for a short joint reflection.
During the individual time, the conversation is about:
- How each partner got to this point — the story of the relationship from their vantage point, what's changed, what hurt, what was missed
- Their own contribution to the current state — not blame of the other person, but honest self-examination
- What a good outcome would look like for them personally
This structure matters because the leaning-out partner often needs to be able to speak freely without the leaning-in partner listening, and the leaning-in partner needs space to be heard without their words being weaponized in the couple's existing conflict pattern. The individual sessions give both people that.
At the end of each session, both partners articulate where they are on the three paths, and the therapist helps them decide whether to schedule another session or move to the path that's clarified.
When discernment counseling fits
It's the right tool when:
- One partner is actively considering leaving, but not so certain that they're ready to file
- The other partner wants to work on it but doesn't know if working is even an option
- You've tried couples therapy and it didn't help — possibly because you were in this exact configuration when you started it
- Neither of you wants to make a decision this big without really examining it first
- You're past small-problem stage — this is about whether to continue the relationship at all
When it doesn't fit
Discernment counseling is not appropriate in these situations:
- One partner has already decided to leave and is using counseling to cushion the announcement. Discernment requires genuine ambivalence on at least one side.
- Active intimate partner violence or ongoing coercive control. Discernment counseling, like most couples-format work, isn't safe in these contexts. Individual therapy and resources for intimate partner violence come first.
- One partner is actively involved in an ongoing affair they haven't ended and is using counseling to keep the marriage going while the affair continues. Transparency is a precondition for this work.
- There's untreated severe mental illness or active addiction that needs to stabilize before any couple-level work makes sense.
What comes after
Discernment counseling is deliberately short. At the end, one of three things has usually happened:
- You've chosen the six-month commitment path and transitioned into full couples therapy (often with the same therapist, sometimes with a different one if the fit is better)
- You've chosen to separate or divorce, and individual therapy for each partner becomes the next layer — along with, often, structured coparenting support if there are children
- You've chosen to stay as you are and stepped out of the intensive-work mode
Whichever path emerges, it's yours — arrived at deliberately, with both partners having had space to examine it. That's the core promise of the approach: decision, not repair. Repair, if you choose it, comes after.
When to reach out
If you recognize yourself in this bind — one of you leaning out, one of you leaning in, regular couples therapy not working or not started yet — discernment counseling is worth knowing about before you commit to anything else.
On our team, Michelle Cortez, Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT) #146795, supervised by me (Christina Mathieson, LMFT #115093) at My Mental Climb, is the clinician who does this work. She sees couples at exactly this decision point, including partners who've decided to separate and want help coparenting well afterward. Couples therapy is one of her primary specialties, and her Gottman Method + narrative therapy background is suited to both the structured decision work and whatever follows it.
A free 15-minute consult is a no-pressure place to start. We'll talk about where you both are, what you've tried, and figure out if discernment counseling with Michelle is the right fit — or point you toward a different path if it isn't.
Further reading: The Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project — Discernment Counseling · William Doherty — Take Back Your Marriage (book) · AAMFT — Finding a Couples Therapist · National Domestic Violence Hotline
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Last clinically reviewed: by Christina Mathieson, LMFT #115093.