Free take-home handout
Finding the Raw Spots
A printable Hold Me Tight practice for naming your raw spots — the attachment vulnerabilities that make specific partner moves land harder than they seem to warrant. Knowing yours stops both of you from misreading the other's reactions as bad behavior.
Free to download and share with your therapist. Educational, not a substitute for therapy.
What's inside
- Four signs a raw spot just got hit — reaction size, familiar hurt, body response, old feeling
- Sue Johnson's six canonical raw-spot themes (deprivation, rejection, abandonment, invalidation, judgment, betrayal)
- Six real-life vignettes: the “I don’t matter,” “I’m too much,” “I’ll be left,” “I’m not enough,” “I can’t be trusted,” and “I’m invisible” spots — each with activator moments and older-story pointers
- Six apply-it-this-week journaling prompts including the event-vs-reaction-size gap, body tracking, and the older story
- A sample opening for sharing your raw spots with a partner in a calm moment
Who it's for
Couples where small moments produce big reactions and both partners are ready to look at what is old underneath what is happening now.
Adapted from Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight (Conversation 2).
Easier with someone in your corner.
A worksheet gets you started. If this is a pattern that keeps coming back, a free 15-minute consult with our intake coordinator is a low-pressure way to talk through it and get matched with the right clinician on our team.
Book a Free ConsultTelehealth across California.
FAQ
What is a raw spot?
+
A raw spot is an attachment vulnerability — often formed earlier in life, sometimes formed within the current relationship — where a specific partner move touches an old wound. Raw spots explain why the same small thing can land so much bigger on one person than on another, and why the same partner behavior can hurt one week and not another.
How do I know if a reaction was a raw spot versus a real complaint?
+
Both are usually true. The current behavior is a real thing worth addressing, and the raw spot is what makes the reaction bigger than the current event alone would explain. Naming both — the current event and the old spot underneath — lets the conversation move.
Should I share my raw spots with my partner?
+
Yes, in a calm moment, not mid-fight. Raw spots are the map your partner needs to stop hitting them by accident. Sharing them makes you more workable together, not more fragile.
Related
Couples Therapy
Gottman Method, EFT, attachment-based work, and sex therapy integrated into relationship care for partners at any stage. Weekday and weekend availability.
Learn moreIndividual Therapy
One-on-one therapy for anxiety, depression, identity, trauma, and the patterns you can see but can't yet shift.
Learn moreAll our handouts
The full library of free printable worksheets our team has made.
Browse