Intimacy Menu Worksheet

An intimacy menu is a list of affectionate, sensual, and sexual activities that each partner marks yes, maybe, or no on their own and then compares with the other. It gives a couple something concrete to talk about instead of a vague, loaded conversation about sex. Where you both said yes becomes your shared menu, every no is respected, and the maybes open a conversation. This version covers the whole range from a long hug to intercourse, plus aftercare.

Fill it out separately, then compare your answers on a calm evening, away from the bedroom and outside of any conflict. Start with the overlaps where you both said yes, and treat every no as final without asking for reasons. For each maybe, ask whether a change in setting, timing, or what comes before it could turn it into a yes.

Accelerators and brakes are the two systems in the dual control model of sexual response: accelerators respond to things that turn you on, and brakes respond to things that turn you off, like stress, distraction, resentment, or worries about your body. Researchers John Bancroft and Erick Janssen developed the model, and Emily Nagoski popularized it in her book Come As You Are. In Nagoski's framing, desire problems more often come from brakes that are pressed than from missing accelerators, which is why this worksheet works best once the brakes get some attention.

Yes, sex therapy is designed for this: helping partners talk about desire, differences, and boundaries without it turning into pressure or a fight. A sex therapist can help you figure out what is pressing on the brakes, use structured tools like sensate focus and an intimacy menu at a pace that works for both of you, and sort out when a medical or hormonal factor needs attention too. At My Mental Climb, sex therapy is available by telehealth across California.