By Christina Mathieson, LMFT #115093, founder of My Mental Climb.
TL;DR. Divorce is one of the most disruptive transitions a person can go through, and it reorganizes far more than a marriage: your home, your routines, your finances, your sense of who you are, and often your role as a co-parent. Grief and relief can show up at the same time. What helps is treating divorce as a restructuring of your whole life rather than a single event to get over, protecting your kids from conflict rather than from the divorce itself, and getting support while you find your footing.
When a marriage ends, people often expect to feel one clear thing. What usually shows up instead is a mix: grief for the future you planned, relief that the tension is ending, guilt about the kids, fear about money and logistics, anger, and moments of unexpected calm, sometimes all in the same afternoon. If that describes you, nothing is wrong with you. You are moving through one of the largest reorganizations a life can go through.
Why divorce takes such a toll
Divorce sits near the very top of the research on stressful life events. On the Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale, divorce is the second most stressful event a person can experience, behind only the death of a spouse. That ranking makes sense once you look at everything that changes at once. You are not only ending a relationship. You are often moving, splitting finances, renegotiating time with your children, telling family and friends, and rebuilding a daily routine from scratch. Each of those alone is a significant adjustment, and divorce stacks them on top of each other.
It helps to approach divorce as a major life transition, one that deserves the same patience and care you would give any other enormous change, and not as a personal failure to hurry past. The grief is real too, even when the divorce is the right decision and even when you are the one who wanted it. You are mourning a version of the future, a shared history, and sometimes the family structure you hoped to give your kids. Letting yourself feel that, instead of expecting relief to be the only acceptable feeling, tends to help it move through more cleanly.
Co-parenting: what protects your kids most
If you share children, this is often the piece that carries the most worry. Here the research is clear and, honestly, reassuring: the biggest driver of how children adjust is the level of ongoing conflict between their parents, more than the divorce itself. Decades of research, summarized in Paul Amato's work on the consequences of divorce, point to inter-parental conflict as the strongest predictor of how children fare. Kids whose parents stay locked in high conflict tend to struggle more, while kids whose parents move to a lower-conflict, cooperative arrangement often do well, and in some cases better than they did inside a tense marriage.
So the most protective thing you can do is lower the conflict your children are exposed to. In practice that looks like:
- Keeping adult conflict away from your kids, including tense conversations, criticism of the other parent, and details of the legal process.
- Never using your children as messengers or as a source of information about the other parent's life.
- Aiming for consistency across both homes where you can, on the big things like bedtimes, expectations, and how you talk about the divorce.
- Treating co-parenting communication like a working relationship: brief, respectful, focused on logistics, and centered on your child rather than on old grievances.
You do not have to feel warm toward your co-parent to do this well. A civil, business-like working relationship is enough, and it is often the most realistic goal in the first couple of years, while feelings are still raw.
When conflict runs high enough that trying to cooperate closely keeps backfiring, a structured approach called parallel parenting often works better than pushing for teamwork you cannot sustain yet. Each parent runs their own household independently, with minimal direct contact, usually handled through a co-parenting app or brief written messages rather than in-person conversations. It lowers the friction your kids are exposed to while both of you stay fully involved in their lives. Many families start here and move toward more cooperation as emotions settle.
How you first tell your kids matters too. When you can, tell them together, keep it simple and honest, and make two things clear: the divorce is not their fault, and both parents still love them. Expect it to be an ongoing conversation rather than a single talk, since new questions surface as the changes become real.
Divorce reorganizes the whole family, not just the couple
One useful way to understand divorce is through a systemic lens, seeing the whole family as a system that is reorganizing, not only two people separating. When a marriage ends, everyone's role shifts. Kids may take on new responsibilities or start worrying about a parent. Extended family relationships get renegotiated. The old rules for how the household ran no longer apply, and new ones have to be built from the ground up. Seeing divorce this way takes some pressure off the belief that you should already know how to do this. You are building a new family structure, and that takes time and intention.
What support can look like
Therapy during a divorce is less about rushing you to get over it and more about helping you stay steady while everything reorganizes. In practice, it usually includes:
- Making room for the full range of feelings, grief and relief included, without judging yourself for any of them.
- Steadying your nervous system so you can make clear decisions during a high-stakes, high-stress season.
- Building practical co-parenting and communication skills that keep your kids out of the conflict.
- Working through anything the divorce has stirred up from earlier in your life, using trauma-informed approaches when that is part of the picture.
- Rebuilding a sense of identity and direction that is yours, separate from the marriage.
Who to work with on our team
On our team, this is Angelique St. Jean's focus. Angelique, AMFT #138223 and APCC #135549 (supervised by me, Christina Mathieson, LMFT #115093), leads our work with major life transitions, the ones where life as you knew it is being uprooted. Divorce and co-parenting sit right in the middle of that, alongside other big changes like a new diagnosis, a medical crisis, grief, or infertility. Her approach is systemic, grounded, and strengths-based, and she works with clients in both English and Spanish. Sessions are by secure telehealth across California.
If you are in the middle of a divorce, or seeing one coming, you do not have to go through the reorganization alone. A free 15-minute consult is a no-pressure place to start, and our intake coordinator will help match you with the right fit on our team.
Related from My Mental Climb: 8 Steps to Emotional Healing After a Breakup · Discernment Counseling: When One Partner Wants Out · Contempt: The Relationship Red Flag That Predicts a Breakup · Life Transitions & Major Change
Further reading: Holmes & Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale (Simply Psychology) · Paul Amato, The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children (Journal of Marriage and Family)
Common questions
- Is divorce really one of the most stressful life events?
- Yes. On the Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale, a widely used measure of life stress, divorce ranks as the second most stressful event a person can experience, behind only the death of a spouse. That is because divorce changes many parts of your life at once: your living situation, finances, routines, identity, and often your role as a parent. Feeling overwhelmed is a normal response to a genuinely large adjustment.
- How do I co-parent with someone I'm still angry at?
- You do not have to resolve your feelings toward your co-parent to co-parent well. The goal is a civil, business-like working relationship: brief and respectful communication focused on logistics and your child, with adult conflict kept away from the kids. Many parents find it helps to treat co-parenting like a professional partnership, especially in the first couple of years when emotions are still raw.
- What helps children most through a divorce?
- The strongest predictor of how children adjust to divorce is the level of ongoing conflict between their parents, more than the divorce itself. Decades of research find that children exposed to high, ongoing parental conflict struggle more, while children whose parents move to a lower-conflict, cooperative arrangement tend to do well. Shielding kids from adult conflict, keeping them out of the middle, and offering consistency across both homes are the most protective things you can do.
- How do I tell my kids we're getting divorced?
- When possible, tell your children together, so they hear one calm, united message that the family is restructuring rather than falling apart. Keep it simple and age-appropriate: both parents love them, the divorce is not their fault, and the practical things they care about (where they'll live, their school, their routines) will be handled. Younger kids need reassurance and consistency more than details. Leave room for their feelings without trying to talk them out of them, and expect to have the conversation more than once as new questions come up.
- What is parallel parenting, and how is it different from co-parenting?
- Parallel parenting is a structured approach for high-conflict situations where trying to cooperate closely keeps backfiring. Each parent runs their own household independently, with minimal direct contact, usually handled through a co-parenting app or brief written messages instead of in-person conversations. Co-parenting assumes a cooperative, communicative working relationship; parallel parenting lowers the friction when that isn't realistic yet, while keeping both parents fully involved in the child's life. Many families start with parallel parenting early on and move toward more cooperation as emotions settle.
- When should I see a therapist during a divorce?
- There is no wrong time, and reaching out earlier is often easier than waiting until you are in crisis. Therapy can help at any stage: while you are deciding, during the separation, or as you rebuild afterward. It is especially worth reaching out if you are struggling to function day to day, if anxiety or depression are setting in, if the divorce is stirring up older wounds, or if co-parenting conflict is affecting your kids.
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Last clinically reviewed: by Christina Mathieson, LMFT #115093.
