By Christina Mathieson, founder of My Mental Climb. Christina is trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy (Level 2).
TL;DR. "Viping" is the word Sarah Williams used at the Love Is Blind season 11 reunion for a pattern in her marriage to John Shannon: something sets you off, you react fast, and you say something hurtful. It isn't a clinical term, but it describes something couples therapists see constantly. In Gottman's research, the fast hurtful reaction usually happens during flooding, a stress state that Gottman ties to a heart rate of about 100 beats per minute. What comes out tends to be contempt (insults, name-calling, mockery), which Gottman identifies as the strongest predictor of divorce. Shame often drives it too: Brené Brown describes "moving against," using shame and aggression to fight back, as one of three common responses to shame, and calls blame a way of discharging pain and discomfort. The habit is breakable: couples learn to spot flooding early, take a 20-minute break before the next sentence, and repair afterward. When the name-calling is frequent, one-directional, or comes with fear, that is a different situation, and couples therapy is not where the National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends starting.
At the Love Is Blind season 11 reunion, Sarah Williams gave the internet a new word. Talking about her marriage to John Shannon, the season's only married couple, she said he "does this thing we call 'viping,'" and that he was working on it and in therapy. Her definition: someone says something that sets you off, you react really quickly, and you say something hurtful. In John's case, she said, it included name-calling and insults, like calling her "dumb," and she described hearing negative things about herself constantly from the person who was supposed to love her. (E! Online has the reunion details, including John's admission that the split was "100 percent" his fault after he texted a woman he met on a boys' night.)
I can't speak to what happened inside one specific marriage from a reunion edit, and I won't try. The word is useful anyway, because it gives a catchy name to something most couples recognize from their own kitchen. Sarah also said something that gets less attention: she used to be similar when she was younger and worked through it. That detail matters, because it means she is describing a habit, and habits change.
What viping looks like from the inside
Almost nobody who vipes plans to, and the sequence goes fast. Your partner says something, maybe a mild complaint, maybe a tone you read as criticism, and before you have decided anything you have already said the cutting thing. Afterward there is often a gap where you can see clearly that it was unfair, and sometimes an apology, and the next time the same trigger shows up the same reaction comes out.
People who do this describe the moment as something that happens to them rather than something they choose, and there's a physiological reason for that.
Flooding: why the hurtful thing comes out first
John Gottman's research on couples in conflict describes a state he calls flooding, or diffuse physiological arousal. The Gottman Institute puts the marker at a heart rate of about 100 beats per minute during a relationship conflict, and describes attention narrowing into tunnel vision and tunnel hearing. In the room, flooded partners describe it as a fight-or-flight feeling: everything narrows to the threat, and humor, perspective, and patience are suddenly hard to find.
In that state, people go for speed over accuracy, whatever will end the threat fastest, and for a lot of people the fastest weapon is an insult. The thoughtful response is still in there, but it needs the calmer, slower part of your brain, and that part is mostly offline until your body settles.
This doesn't excuse the comment, but it explains why "just don't say it" rarely works as a plan, and why the useful intervention happens earlier, at the moment you notice you are flooded.
Why name-calling is the part that does the damage
Gottman's research sorts destructive conflict behavior into four patterns he calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. (We wrote fuller walkthroughs in The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships and Contempt: The Relationship Red Flag That Predicts a Breakup.) Name-calling, insults, mockery, and eye-rolling all fall under contempt, and contempt is the one Gottman's work identifies as the single biggest predictor of divorce.
The reason is what contempt communicates. Gottman describes criticism as an attack on your partner's character and contempt as taking a position of moral superiority over them. Put in plain words, a complaint says "I'm unhappy about this thing you did," criticism turns that into "something is wrong with you," and contempt goes a step further: "you're beneath me." Calling a partner dumb moves the argument from the dishes, the plans, or the tone to the other person's worth, and that message sticks around long after the original disagreement is forgotten. Sarah's line about constantly hearing negative things about herself from the person who was supposed to love her is the long-term cost of that, the accumulated weight of many small hits.
Gottman also stresses that these predictions depend on the behavior staying the same. Couples who catch contempt and replace it with something else change the outlook.
Viping as a way to get rid of shame
Flooding explains the speed of a vipe, and shame often explains the aim. Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston who studies shame and vulnerability, separates the two feelings this way: guilt says "I did something bad," and shame says "I am bad" (from her TED talk, Listening to Shame). A complaint about the dishes is supposed to register at guilt size, as something you did. For someone carrying a lot of shame, it registers as a verdict on who they are, which is a much harder feeling to sit inside.
Brown describes three ways people try to protect themselves from that feeling, drawing on work by Linda Hartling and Jean Baker Miller at the Stone Center at Wellesley College: moving away (withdrawing, going silent), moving toward (appeasing, people-pleasing), and moving against, which she describes as using shame and aggression to fight back (Brown discusses all three with Greater Good). Viping is moving against. The insult pushes the "something is wrong with you" feeling back across the table before it can settle in.
Her short animated talk on blame makes a related point: she describes blame as "simply the discharging of discomfort and pain" (Brené Brown on Blame, RSA). That matches what couples describe after a vipe. The person who snapped gets a brief flash of relief, usually followed by guilt, and the original complaint goes unaddressed because the conversation has turned into a fight about the insult.
This is why the partner who vipes is often the one who feels worst about themselves, not the one who feels superior. The words come out as "you're dumb," while the feeling that started it was closer to "I'm failing again." It also changes what a good repair sounds like. Alongside "I'm sorry I called you that," the person who vipes learns to say what they heard underneath the comment: "When you said I forgot again, I heard that I'm useless, and I lashed out." In her TED talk Brown calls empathy "the antidote to shame," and a partner who hears that sentence has something to respond to with empathy instead of a counterattack.
Breaking the habit
Here is what couples usually practice, in roughly the order it tends to matter.
Knowing your early warning signs. Changing course is much easier on the way up than once you're already flooded, so the goal is to catch the build before your heart rate gets anywhere near 100. Most people have their own set of early signals: heat in the face or neck, a clenched jaw, a tight chest, talking faster or louder, interrupting, or a sudden need to win this right now. Some people notice a thought first, like "here we go again" or "they always do this." In couples therapy, partners often list their first two or three signs ahead of time so both people can recognize them, and some check a pulse on a smartwatch during hard conversations. Catching an early sign is your cue to slow down, say "I'm starting to get heated," and call the break while you still have a few seconds of choice.
Taking a break that works. Gottman's guidance is a break of at least 20 minutes, which the Institute says a flooded body needs to reset, and no more than 24 hours, since waiting longer risks turning the break into avoidance. Two things make it work: you say you're taking a break and when you'll come back ("I'm getting flooded, I need 30 minutes, I'll find you after"), so it doesn't read as walking out, and you spend the break calming down, a walk, music, slow breathing, anything other than replaying the fight and drafting your next comeback.
Repairing after a vipe. Slipping is part of the process. Gottman defines a repair attempt as anything that keeps negativity from escalating, and his Institute writes that a marriage can survive the Four Horsemen only if partners learn to repair effectively. A good repair is specific: "I called you dumb, that was unfair and it's not what I think of you. What I was upset about was the plan changing last minute." Taking responsibility without a "but you" attached is the hard part.
Restarting gently. When you come back to the conversation, Gottman's antidote to criticism is a gentle start-up: complain without blame, starting from what you feel and what you need. "I felt dismissed when you checked your phone while I was talking, and I'd like your attention for ten minutes" gives your partner something to respond to, where "You never listen to me" gives them something to defend against.
Building a buffer of appreciation. Gottman's antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect, a habit of noticing and saying what you value about each other. In my experience, couples with a lot of goodwill in the bank recover from a bad moment faster. Our free Four Horsemen and Antidotes handout lays out each pattern alongside its replacement if you want something to put on the fridge.
If hurtful comments have become a regular part of how you and your partner fight, couples therapy is built for this pattern, and our Gottman-based approach practices the break, the repair, and the restart in session until they start happening at home. You can book a free 15-minute consult with our intake coordinator, who will match you with the therapist who fits. We work online, anywhere in California, by secure video from home.
When it's more than a bad habit
Viping, as Sarah described it, can come close to verbal abuse, so it helps to know how the two differ. A partner who occasionally snaps under stress, feels bad about it, and repairs is in a different situation from someone who is regularly insulted, put down, or afraid of how their partner will react. Frequency matters, whether it goes mostly one direction matters, and so does whether it comes with control, intimidation, or isolation.
If the second description sounds more like your relationship, that is verbal and emotional abuse, and it calls for a different first step. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage couples counseling with an abusive partner, citing the risk to the person being abused, and its advocates can help you think through safer options. The Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Frequently asked questions
What does "viping" mean on Love Is Blind?
"Viping" is the word Sarah Williams used at the Love Is Blind season 11 reunion for a pattern in her marriage to John Shannon: someone says something that sets you off, you react fast, and you say something hurtful. She described it as including name-calling and insults, such as being called "dumb."
Who said "viping" on the Love Is Blind reunion?
Sarah Williams said it during the season 11 reunion, which aired November 8, 2026. She used it to describe how John Shannon spoke to her during their marriage, and said he was working on it and in therapy. The couple separated after about a year of marriage, and Sarah filed for divorce in June.
Is viping a real psychology term?
No, "viping" is the couple's own word, not a clinical term. The closest research concepts come from the Gottman Institute: flooding, the stress state that sets in when your heart rate climbs during a conflict, and contempt, the pattern of insults, name-calling, and mockery that Gottman's research identifies as the strongest predictor of divorce.
Is viping a form of verbal abuse?
It can be, depending on how often it happens, whether it runs in one direction, and whether it comes with fear or control. A partner who occasionally snaps and then repairs is in a different situation from one who is regularly called names, put down, or afraid of how the other person will react. If it is the second, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788) is a confidential place to start. The Hotline does not encourage couples counseling with an abusive partner.
Why do people say hurtful things when they feel criticized?
Often because the criticism registers as shame rather than guilt, as "I am bad" instead of "I did something bad," in Brené Brown's framing. Brown describes "moving against" as one of three common responses to shame: using shame and aggression to fight back. A hurtful comment pushes the feeling onto the other person, which brings brief relief and usually leaves the original issue unresolved.
How do you stop viping in a relationship?
Most couples start by learning to catch the moment they are flooded and take a break before saying anything else. The Gottman Institute recommends a break of at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours, spent calming down rather than rehearsing the argument, followed by a repair and a gentler restart of the conversation. Couples therapy helps when the pattern keeps repeating despite good intentions.
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Common questions
- What does 'viping' mean on Love Is Blind?
- 'Viping' is the word Sarah Williams used at the Love Is Blind season 11 reunion for a pattern in her marriage to John Shannon: someone says something that sets you off, you react fast, and you say something hurtful. She described it as including name-calling and insults, such as being called 'dumb.'
- Who said 'viping' on the Love Is Blind reunion?
- Sarah Williams said it during the season 11 reunion, which aired November 8, 2026. She used it to describe how John Shannon spoke to her during their marriage, and said he was working on it and in therapy. The couple separated after about a year of marriage, and Sarah filed for divorce in June.
- Is viping a real psychology term?
- No, 'viping' is the couple's own word, not a clinical term. The closest research concepts come from the Gottman Institute: flooding, the stress state that sets in when your heart rate climbs during a conflict, and contempt, the pattern of insults, name-calling, and mockery that Gottman's research identifies as the strongest predictor of divorce.
- Is viping a form of verbal abuse?
- It can be, depending on how often it happens, whether it runs in one direction, and whether it comes with fear or control. A partner who occasionally snaps and then repairs is in a different situation from one who is regularly called names, put down, or afraid of how the other person will react. If it is the second, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788) is a confidential place to start. The Hotline does not encourage couples counseling with an abusive partner.
- Why do people say hurtful things when they feel criticized?
- Often because the criticism registers as shame rather than guilt, as 'I am bad' instead of 'I did something bad,' in Brené Brown's framing. Brown describes 'moving against' as one of three common responses to shame: using shame and aggression to fight back. A hurtful comment pushes the feeling onto the other person, which brings brief relief and usually leaves the original issue unresolved.
- How do you stop viping in a relationship?
- Most couples start by learning to catch the moment they are flooded and take a break before saying anything else. The Gottman Institute recommends a break of at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours, spent calming down rather than rehearsing the argument, followed by a repair and a gentler restart of the conversation. Couples therapy helps when the pattern keeps repeating despite good intentions.
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Last clinically reviewed: by Christina Mathieson, LMFT.
